"Wow,
you're looking much better than the last time I saw you," said Tres to his
friend Ralph Arguello.
"It's
not so bad here," replied Ralph.
"However, it is still Hades.
You know, they only serve Lone Star Beer here. And the hangovers go on for years. The worst thing though is that all the
Tex-Mex is made by Yankees. Do you know
how boring that is?"
"That
sucks, man."
"So,
what brings you here? How did they get
you? Chasing another cheating
husband?"
"I'm
not dead yet. At least I don't think
so. Actually, I was told to come here
and ask you the secret of the chupacabra."
"No
way, man," Ralph said.
"You're putting me on. Did
someone finally blow you up?"
"I
tell you, I'm alive," Tres insisted.
Ralph
punched Tres in the jaw. The blow gave
a resounding thwack. "Dude, you
really are . . ." he started to say.
However, Tres had headbutted him, sending back into the bar. Ralph came up swinging, but started to
laugh. "I thought you were just
messing with me. You feel pretty solid. Your head's as hard as ever. So you're telling me that you're just making
a visit to tierra de los muertos?"
"That's
what I said and you didn't have to hit me."
"Sorry
about that, man, but this place really messes with your cabeza. One minute, I'm in
a bar drinking watered down Lone Star, the next I'm back in San Antonio getting
shot again. So tell me, amigo, how are
Ana and Lucia? How long have I been
gone?"
Tres
immediately felt guilty that he hadn't kept up better with Ralph's widow and
daughter. "It's been almost ten years. Ana went back to the force after she got
better from being shot. She made
lieutenant in a few years and then became chief of police in Bulverde. She's still there last time I saw. Lucia's in middle school now. Of course she attends Catholic school. Plays soccer. Drives her mom crazy. I get Christmas cards from her every
year. I really ought to keep up with
them better."
Tres
thought he saw a tear cross Ralph's eye, but it might have been an illusion.
"Thanks
my friend," Ralph finally said.
"Now what can I do for you?"
"I
need to know how to defeat the chupacabra."
"No,
really," said Ralph. "Why do
you want to be messing with a chupacabra?
That's some bad sh-" Before
Ralph could finish, a demon whacked him on the head. "Sorry, that there's no cussing in
Hades. I meant to say that the
chupacabra is one mean vato. You don't
want to be messing with that stuff."
"I
know," said Tres. "I've
already gone one round with him.
However, Percy Jackson sent me on this quest and if I don't succeed,
there won't be any cabrito in San
Antonio and . . . "
"You
met Percy Jackson, the kid from the books?" asked Ralph.
"Yeah. Weird kid.
Shows up. Says cryptic
things. Swims away."
"All
right," said Ralph. "I guess
if you're crazy enough to come all the way to Hades based on the word of a
middle-school demigod, I can tell you what I know. However, you have to realize that I can't
vouch for any of this. It's just a story
passed down from my abuela."
"Don't
you mean your abuelo?" asked
Tres.
"Are
you kidding me?" Ralph asked.
"All the good stories come from the women in the family."
"Percy
Jackson said that this was a story passed down from your abuelo. Now I don't know
much Spanish, but I think that means grandfather."
"All
my abuelo ever taught me was how to
play dominos and smoke a cigar," said Ralph. "I don't think that's going to help you,
my friend. However, if you really want
to take down the chupacabra, here's what you need to know.
"You
can only defeat the chupacabra in his lair.
When it's not out slicing and dicing goats, it lives in a cavern below
the bar in the Menger Hotel. If you
fight it there, you might be able to stop it.
And you have to let it come to you.
If you come after it, it'll just disappear and you won't see it again
until it's ripping your throat out."
"How
do I get it to come to me?"
"You've
got to lure it out with a goat. Do I
have to tell you everything? Once you
get the chupacabra to come after you, you distract it with a piping hot bowl of
menudo laced with mezcal."
"Why
would that work?"
"How
should I know. I was just a kid when I
heard these stories. It's not like I
was writing them down or anything."
"What
do I do after that?"
"Sorry
man, that's all I remember. You're on
your own after that."
"Oh,
one more thing," said Tres.
"How do I get out of here?"
"Seriously
man, you went all the way into the depths of Hades without figuring out how to
get back?"
"I
kind of figured it would come to me."
Ralph
spoke to the bartender for a moment and produced what looked like the ticket
from a parking garage. He handed it to
Tres and said, "Here, get this validated by Herman on your way out. Give it to Charon to take you back across,
but . . . "
"I
know," said Tres. "Don't give
it to him until he takes me to the other side."
"You
got it, amigo."
Tres
embraced Ralph and turned to go.
As
he walked away, Ralph said, "Hey, if this chupacabra thing works out
badly, look me up when you get back here.
We can hang out."
