Tres Navarre vs. the Chupacabra Chapter Six: Old Times With Ralph

"Wow, you're looking much better than the last time I saw you," said Tres to his friend Ralph Arguello.   

"It's not so bad here," replied Ralph.   "However, it is still Hades.   You know, they only serve Lone Star Beer here.   And the hangovers go on for years.   The worst thing though is that all the Tex-Mex is made by Yankees.  Do you know how boring that is?"

"That sucks, man."

"So, what brings you here?   How did they get you?  Chasing another cheating husband?"

"I'm not dead yet.   At least I don't think so.   Actually, I was told to come here and ask you the secret of the chupacabra."

"No way, man," Ralph said.   "You're putting me on.   Did someone finally blow you up?"

"I tell you, I'm alive," Tres insisted.

Ralph punched Tres in the jaw.   The blow gave a resounding thwack.    "Dude, you really are . . ." he started to say.   However, Tres had headbutted him, sending back into the bar.  Ralph came up swinging, but started to laugh.    "I thought you were just messing with me.   You feel pretty solid.   Your head's as hard as ever.   So you're telling me that you're just making a visit to tierra de los muertos?"

"That's what I said and you didn't have to hit me."

"Sorry about that, man, but this place really messes with your cabeza.   One minute, I'm in a bar drinking watered down Lone Star, the next I'm back in San Antonio getting shot again.   So tell me, amigo, how are Ana and Lucia?   How long have I been gone?"  

Tres immediately felt guilty that he hadn't kept up better with Ralph's widow and daughter.    "It's been almost ten years.  Ana went back to the force after she got better from being shot.   She made lieutenant in a few years and then became chief of police in Bulverde.    She's still there last time I saw.   Lucia's in middle school now.   Of course she attends Catholic school.   Plays soccer.   Drives her mom crazy.  I get Christmas cards from her every year.   I really ought to keep up with them better."

Tres thought he saw a tear cross Ralph's eye, but it might have been an illusion.

"Thanks my friend," Ralph finally said.   "Now what can I do for you?"

"I need to know how to defeat the chupacabra."

"No, really," said Ralph.   "Why do you want to be messing with a chupacabra?   That's some bad sh-"   Before Ralph could finish, a demon whacked him on the head.  "Sorry, that there's no cussing in Hades.   I meant to say that the chupacabra is one mean vato.   You don't want to be messing with that stuff."

"I know," said Tres.   "I've already gone one round with him.   However, Percy Jackson sent me on this quest and if I don't succeed, there won't be any cabrito in San Antonio and . . . "

"You met Percy Jackson, the kid from the books?"  asked Ralph.

"Yeah.   Weird kid.  Shows up.   Says cryptic things.  Swims away."

"All right," said Ralph.   "I guess if you're crazy enough to come all the way to Hades based on the word of a middle-school demigod, I can tell you what I know.  However, you have to realize that I can't vouch for any of this.  It's just a story passed down from my abuela."

"Don't you mean your abuelo?" asked Tres.

"Are you kidding me?" Ralph asked.   "All the good stories come from the women in the family."

"Percy Jackson said that this was a story passed down from your abuelo.   Now I don't know much Spanish, but I think that means grandfather."

"All my abuelo ever taught me was how to play dominos and smoke a cigar," said Ralph.  "I don't think that's going to help you, my friend.   However, if you really want to take down the chupacabra, here's what you need to know.

"You can only defeat the chupacabra in his lair.   When it's not out slicing and dicing goats, it lives in a cavern below the bar in the Menger Hotel.   If you fight it there, you might be able to stop it.  And you have to let it come to you.  If you come after it, it'll just disappear and you won't see it again until it's ripping your throat out."

"How do I get it to come to me?"

"You've got to lure it out with a goat.   Do I have to tell you everything?   Once you get the chupacabra to come after you, you distract it with a piping hot bowl of menudo laced with mezcal."

"Why would that work?"

"How should I know.   I was just a kid when I heard these stories.   It's not like I was writing them down or anything."

"What do I do after that?"

"Sorry man, that's all I remember.   You're on your own after that."

"Oh, one more thing," said Tres.   "How do I get out of here?"

"Seriously man, you went all the way into the depths of Hades without figuring out how to get back?"

"I kind of figured it would come to me."

Ralph spoke to the bartender for a moment and produced what looked like the ticket from a parking garage.   He handed it to Tres and said, "Here, get this validated by Herman on your way out.   Give it to Charon to take you back across, but . . . "

"I know," said Tres.  "Don't give it to him until he takes me to the other side."

"You got it, amigo."   

Tres embraced Ralph and turned to go.

As he walked away, Ralph said, "Hey, if this chupacabra thing works out badly, look me up when you get back here.   We can hang out."