Church Bulletin Bloopers

In the spirit of the holiday, here is some church humor. These have been circulating on the internet, so they are not original with me. However, they are pretty funny.

My Favorite:

Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Name: Bertha Belch. Announcement: Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa".

Events

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

Thursday night: Potluck Supper - Prayer and medication will follow.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals".

(For the group of ladies called Moms Who Care and pray for the children in school). When their meeting was cancelled one week: "There will be no Moms who care this week."

Men's Prayer Breakfast. No charge, but your damnation will be gratefully accepted.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

Support Groups

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!

I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, even though he diets, yet shall be live.

Music

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.

Song Lyrics: What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and briefs to bear.

Sermons

The preacher will preach his farewell massage, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth With Joy".

The Rev. Merriweather spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J. F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.

Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

Worship

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

The pastor will light his candle from the altar candles.
The ushers will light their candle from the pastor's candle.
The ushers will turn and light each worshipper in the first pew.

If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.

Sex and Procreation

Today... Christian Youth Fellowship Sexuality Course, 8 p.m. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery down stairs.

Thursday at 5:00 PM, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his private study.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

In Sickness and Health

On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD - Dr. Hargreaves is better.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.

Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

If you are going to be hospitalized for an operation, contact the pastor. Special prayer also for those who are seriously sick by request.

Brother Lamar has gone on to be the Lord.

Miscellaneous

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I upped My Pledge----Up Yours."

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Glory of God to all and peas to his people on earth.

Church sign: Jesus Saves!
Safeway sign across the street: Safeway saves you more!

Please welcome Pastor Don, a caring individual who loves hurting people.