Worst Christmas Carols Ever

I love Christmas music. However, every once in a while, you hear something that is so bad that it makes you want to puke. I am not talking about novelty songs like "I'm Gettin' Nuttin' for Christmas" and "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer." While those songs are irreverent and not quite in keeping with the holiday spirit, they are witty and fun. To make my Hall of Shame, a Christmas Carol must either be blatantly offensive (and not in an ironic way) or be senseless sentimental drivel or be just plain slow and boring. So far I have four songs on the list. Feel free to suggest your own additions.

1. "Santa Claus Will Take You to Hell" by Westboro Baptist Church.

Fortunately, you will NOT hear this song on the radio. However, it just shows that some people just can't stand to see anyone else enjoying the Christmas season. For the unitiated, Westboro Baptist Church is a cultish group which revels in the belief that God will punish everyone but them. They said that the people who died in 9/11 are victims of God's wrath. They show up at the funerals of American soldiers and pronounce God's judgment. Now they have written a Christmas carol in which Santa Claus is blamed for the collapsing economy, the death of soldiers in Iraq and just about everything else in society.

If you don't believe me, go to: http://www.layscience.net/node/421. I have to warn you, this song is offensive to the max.

Thanks to Elle Adair for the tip.

2. "Christmas Shoes" by New Song.

I recently heard this song on the radio and couldn't believe that they would play it without a disclaimer. This is a song about a little boy trying to buy some shoes for his dying mother because "I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight." This has nothing to do with Christmas and is a blatant appeal to sappy sentimentality. I don't know what else to say, other than change the station if this song begins to play.

3. "The Cat Carol" by Bruce Evans.

The JB and Sandy Morning Show recently highlighted this song as one of the worst Christmas Carols ever and I have to agree. It is a song about a cat who is locked outside in a blizzard and who saves a mouse with the heat from his body only to be discovered dead by Santa. According to the song's website, "The Cat Carol has a traditional appeal, but there’s an underlying humour which keeps it from getting too sucky." No, this song is just annoying. While the underlying message about sacrifice in the spirit of the season is very appropriate, the actual song is just so bad. The songs drags along with no sense of irony and is way too cute.

4. "Same Old Lange Syne" by Dan Fogelberg

I have hated this song for years. It limps along like a Yugo with a blown transmission. It contains such profound lyrics as:

We took her groceries to the checkout stand,
The food was totalled up and bagged.
We stood there lost in our embarrassment,
As the conversation dragged.

This is almost a parody of the bad singer/songwriter who is trying so hard to be earnest but sounds like he is reading a grocery list.